I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
i think i scared a bird with my dick
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
