my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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