I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
