Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
