I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
