Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
