Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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