My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
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