if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
