Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
