Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
