Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
