when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
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