I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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