My first STD was from a foam party
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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