Porn is love you can see.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
