turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
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