Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
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