Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Randomize
