Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
