He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
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