ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize