Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
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