I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
