i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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