Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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