Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
