the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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