You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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