I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
