I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
