You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
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