I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
There's always time for handjobs
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Randomize