1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Randomize
