I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
