why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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