The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
