marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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