we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
