Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize