Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
