Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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