wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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