how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
