I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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