It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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