He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
