I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
