I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
