we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
