I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Randomize
