I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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