i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Randomize
