If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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