I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
