did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
