I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
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