i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
