I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Someone shattered a urinal.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
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