I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize