I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
