you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
