...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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