I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize